A Divine Necessity

originally published on 09.21.16

The story of the Samaritan woman at the well [John 4] keeps coming up in my life.

When the same passage or concept or theme keeps coming up in different, "unrelated" areas of my life, I tend to see that as a sign to pay attention & try to ask the Lord what He's trying to teach me through it. This seemed to be one of those times, and the things I've discovered from it have quickly become another reason to sing His grace.

The passage first came up a few weeks ago as I was doing a She Reads Truth study.

I then find out the following day that one of my staff teammates was going to be talking about the story of the woman at the well for the first Cru meeting of the semester. What a cool coincidence right?

The end of that same week, we had a student leaders' meeting at a different campus. What did we end up doing as a devotional for them? The story of the woman at the well.

As the semester continued to come into full swing and I started meeting with the female student leaders whom I'll be discipling, I wanted to put an emphasis on evangelism. After all, if our ministry is "a caring community passionate about connecting others to Jesus Christ," what is one of the biggest ways we do that? Evangelism. So I started with a discipleship lesson that talked all about what evangelism means, how we go about doing it, and what our drive & motivation should be as we share our faith.

The example from Scripture that the lesson used?

Yep, you guessed it. The story of the woman at the well.

Now let's back up a little.

While I was initially going through the SRT study and reading John 4, I checked out some of the notes in my ESV Study Bible and wound up on a little bit of a rabbit trail, which led me to a really cool discovery, and it involves a verse that I certainly would have glazed right over before.

"And He had to pass through Samaria." - John 4:4

So profound right?

Bear with me.

I've heard other teachers or commentators point out this verse before and talk about how, realistically, Jesus didn't have to pass through Samaria. All the other Jews avoided that place like the plague, and He definitely could have gone around it as He made His way from Judea to Galilee. So why didn't He?  He went through Samaria specifically to talk to this Samaritan woman, whom He clearly knew would be there. That in itself is really cool!

But this was the first time it was taken a step further for me.

And here's where my love of words [meanings of words, synonyms for words, etc] shows.

The word is dei. Greek: δεῖ

This is the Greek word that is used for "had to" in that verse. It's meaning? "It is necessary."

Well yeah, duh. Had to, necessary - it makes sense.

But the study notes further explained that it's more than that. This specific word is always used in a certain context. It always indicates a divine necessity or requirement. Check out the other places in John where this same word is used:

3:7 - You must be born again. // The Son of Man must be lifted up.
3:30 - He must increase, I must decrease.
9:4 - We must do the works of God.
10:16 - Jesus has other sheep that He must bring back to Himself.
12:34 - Another reference that the Son of Man must be lifted up. It was divinely necessary for Christ to die.
20:9 - Jesus must rise from the dead. It was divinely necessary in order for the process of redemption to be accomplished.

Each of these has to do with something about our salvation, sanctification, or Jesus' death and resurrection.
All of these truths are divinely necessary for us to believe and walk in as believers in Christ. How awesome is it that the same word that holds such weight for us in our spiritual growth is the same word that is used to describe how Jesus "had to" pass through Samaria and meet this woman?!

Oh what a loss it is for us to glance over this simple verse!

Yes, Jesus knew that this woman would be at the well. He knew all about her and her past. He knew about how she had to come to the well at that specific time - when no one else would be there - probably because she would be ridiculed otherwise. He knew the need she unknowingly had for Him and the Living Water only He could offer. He knew that she would be the one to then go back to her town and tell everyone about what just happened to her and Who she just spoke to.

But even more than that, it was divinely necessary for Him to do. As in there was no other choice. He specifically went for her. He cared for her, truly saw her, and wasted no time in bringing up spiritual things into their conversation, which ultimately led to her life being changed.

And He does the same for us. He stopped at nothing to come and die. He came to fulfill the promises and prophecies of the Old Testament, but also because of His deep love for us. The joy of completing the Father's Will and reconciling us back to Himself was set before Him, so he endured the cross. [Hebrews 12:2]

This great truth and the profound use of dei has really stuck with me personally and in light of the ministry I do as a job.

If we're supposed to become more and more like Jesus as we walk daily with Him, we must also have a divine necessity to tell others this great news that is better than any other news we've ever heard. We must be willing to drop everything (girlfriend even left her water jug at the well) to go and tell how we've been personally changed by Christ and how He has met our deepest need.

I must depend on Jesus in order to see others as He does. I'm not supposed to go shove my beliefs down others' throats, but I am supposed to meet them where they're at and be willing to listen to their stories and communicate the fact that Jesus is the only One who can not only save their souls from eternal separation from God, but He can also quench their deepest desires to be known and loved.

Having something driving my life that is divinely necessary means that I will do it despite how I may feel on a particular day. It means that I won't care about potential awkwardness or potential rejection. It means that this is something so crucial and significant that I can't not tell others.

This allows me to be humbled and thankful that God saw it to be divinely necessary to come after me. He stopped at nothing and continues to pursue and fill me daily. He didn't wait until I was good and ready, because I never would have been [Ephesians 2:5]. Jesus faced more rejection than I ever have or ever will, even facing the ultimate rejection of His Father while on the cross. Jesus didn't wait until He was fully accepted by everyone, so as to not face rejection or awkwardness. [Could you even imagine?]

Praise Him for this great truth.

And yet again I sing His grace.

4 Years, 3 Trips, 1 Faithful God

originally published on 05.29.16

It occurred to me today [thanks to Timehop!] that at exactly this time both last year and four years ago, I was about to venture off to a different state to follow something the Lord had called me to.

2012: Hampton Beach, NH
2015: Fort Collins, CO

What makes this really cool to look back on is that I'm finding myself in the same position in present day. I've been packing things up [trying to get a head start due to being a chronic procrastinator] to go to a new place. But this time, it's different. This time it's not for six or ten weeks.

This time, I'm moving to my new home.
2016: Newport News, VA

It's so interesting to think that in three separate years, during the same time of the year, I was packing bags and taking big steps of faith - each of them life-changing.

I thought it would be neat to recap each of these times [along with some snapshots] and share a bit about how the Lord called me to them, how they changed my life, and how they each represent moments in my life that cause me to sing His grace.

I first heard about Cru Summer Mission during my time as a student. When you get involved with Cru, it doesn't take very long to hear about how life-changing Summer Mission is from anyone who has ever been on one. When hearing stories from others, I believed it was impactful for them, but all I heard was "You have to go! It'll change your life!" How could they be so certain? Isn't that a little bit of an extreme guarantee?

Well, I gotta say that I am now one of those people. Unashamedly.

I am now the person telling students that going on a Summer Mission will be one of their best decisions in life and will undoubtedly change their lives. Yes, 100% confident enough in it to make that bold of a statement. Not taking advantage of such an opportunity causes you to miss out - big time.

I still remember packing my bags for this trip and having a slight moment of panic as the day to leave soon approached and I realized that ten weeks was a long time. So many unknowns. But I was sure of two things: God called me, and He also provided for me to go. So I packed my bags.

My faith was stretched tremendously during my ten weeks in New Hampshire. I learned that head knowledge is not the same as heart knowledge. I learned that knowing all of the right answers didn't mean I was actually letting the Gospel work in my life. A lot of lies that I believed about myself, others, and God had surfaced, and I was able to explore how those aspects of sin cause me to draw nearer to the Cross and Jesus Himself.

Beyond that, I learned what it meant to live life on mission. Communicating the Gospel to people on a regular basis isn't something that is only designated for full-time missionaries [shocker!]. The Great Commission isn't optional, people. It's a requirement. For all believers.

I came in contact with so many people that summer and had so many spiritual conversations that allowed me to further see the brokenness of the world & that people must know Jesus. That's when the spiritual unrest began. So, all that to say, everyone was right. It changed my life.

Fast forward three years.

Making the choice to go on a Summer Mission opened up the idea of joining staff with Cru as it gave me a lot more exposure to what staff life is like, and it was certainly one of the main things that aided in my decision to intern with Cru at my alma mater, only secondary to the women I led in my Bible study [leading them sealed the deal to my decision].

Interning was only a year commitment [2014-2015], but let's be serious, I was pretty certain during that whole year that I would ultimately decide to join staff. And that's what happened.

I officially joined staff with Cru during the summer of 2015. Yet again I would pack my bags and hop on a plane to a different state - another place I had never been.

Joining staff meant that this was something I was committing to for the long haul - for the foreseeable future or until the Lord called me elsewhere. It would also mean that I would once again go through the process of raising financial support and express further dependence on God to provide for the calling He had given.

So many unknowns. But I was sure of two things: God called me, and He also provided for me to go. So I packed my bags.

The six weeks spent in Colorado further changed my life. I experienced New Staff Training along side 200+ new staff members, some of which quickly became best friends. I learned more about the validity of my faith and the power of the Gospel. I got to be further trained in what it looked like to invite people in on this mission of God changing lives on the college campus. And despite the unknowns and any fears that I had beforehand, the Lord further confirmed that I was walking in the things that He prepared beforehand. [Eph. 2:10]

It was also in Colorado that I found out the exciting news that I was placed on the Tidewater Metro team in Virginia. This meant that I would be moving from an area that I've always known and into uncharted territory. I realized that this would, once again, you guessed it... change my life.

After a summer of training, I returned to Pennsylvania and continued the process of building my team of ministry partners.

This brings me to present day.

This past year hasn't been all cupcakes and rainbows. Walking in God's Will doesn't mean the road will be smooth by any means. But I've seen the Lord act and I'm [after what seems like forever] finally at the tail end of raising support with about 25% left. This entry isn't ending with complete closure because I'm still in the process of raising finances. I'm not yet able to stand on the other side of the finish line, dust my hands off and take a breather after this long marathon. I'm still running. Quite frankly, I'm still trying to breathe and keep a pace in order to finish. But God has been faithful and will continue to be that way.

Do I have fears about this new adventure? Yes. Have I questioned whether or not God will really come through in His provision for me? Yes. It's going to take time to get used to a completely new area that I know next to nothing about. The fact that this place will be my home as opposed to a 6 or 10 week trip has yet to really sink in.

There's so many unknowns. But I am sure of two things: God has called me, and He will also provide for me to go. So I pack my bags.

Ministry Update: Praying for the Lord to Act

originally published on 04.11.2016

Support raising is an interesting thing.

I'm now in my 38th week of raising my initial support to be on full-time staff with Cru. 38 weeks. That blows me away. A woman grows a child in her womb in that amount of time!

Although this isn't my first rodeo [in fact, my first blog post on this site was written when I was in the midst of raising support for my intern year] this time around, it's been a much longer process. It's unlike any other job in the sense that there isn't always a direct correlation between the time & effort you put in, and what you see as a result.

There's a lot of waiting. A lot of unknowns. A lot of vulnerability and dependence. [And sometimes there are even a lot of tears.]

And yet, I wouldn't change a thing.

I've had people look at me with dumbfounded expressions whenever I say that. Even though it's not easy [and extremely terrifying at times], I've been able to see the Lord work in my life in such unique ways on a daily basis that many others don't get to experience. I've seen Him guide my steps and bring people into my life whom I wouldn't have even met otherwise. It's a process that allows me to tangibly see the "good works, which God prepared beforehand, that [I] should walk in them" [Eph. 2:10].

A good friend of mine had some thoughts on this too as we were texting about it the other day:
"..other than my salvation experience, it was when I experienced the presence and working of God the most.." I couldn't agree more.

[Desiring God also posted this article the other day about raising support. It's a good read.]

When you're raising support, it's easy to see the end goal as being so far away. If I'm honest, that's how I've felt for a majority of these 38 weeks. But I knew there would come a time where the reality of "oh my gosh I'm moving to a new state and this is all happening so fast and how in the world is this going to happen in time" would set in.

Well, people. That time is here.

It all started a couple months ago when my future teammate and dear friend, Maggie, said she would need a roommate by August. Great! Ever since we met and became close, we hoped it would work out that we'd be able to live together once I joined the team. Total answer to prayer.

Fast forward a bit more to last month or so when she texts me and asks what I think about the possibility of having to sign a lease in June.

Cue the heightened heart rate.

That's a little sooner than I thought. I'm only a little over halfway done with my support at this point, and there's no way I can give her a definite answer. We decide to play it by ear.

Fast forward again to April 6th - last Wednesday. Long story short: we found a place, we did a walk through together [via FaceTime], and it's literally across the street from the campus we'll both be working at. Perfect! But the landlord needs an answer. I decide in that moment to go for it.

And that cues the next big step of faith. I'm officially signing a lease [just took care of that this morning, actually] and moving forward in faith that the Lord will finish my support by then.

I assure you my heart rate is still pretty high.

Ever since making this decision, I've made it a point to daily pray a simple prayer of asking the Lord to act. I even set an alarm on my phone for 6pm every day, reminding me to pray. The 6 representing the 6th month. June. The month I've officially set as my deadline.

I've reached the point of "Lord, I have no idea how this is going to happen." I've been in this place before. These feelings of slight panic and worry are familiar. But! The last time I felt these feelings during my last round of raising support, I saw the Lord come through. I saw Him act. I saw His provision for me. And I'm trusting that He'll do it again.

After I had made it a point to pray this prayer on a daily basis, I was flipping through Psalms and came across the comforting words of Psalm 37:5:

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act."

Okay Lord. I hear you.

These are some of my favorite moments. The moments where you come across a Scripture and it's more than just an encouraging thought that happens to be relevant to your current situation. This was a moment where it was like the Holy Spirit was directly speaking to me through His Word in response to my prayers. He not only hears but He responds. His faithfulness is part of His character. It's who He is.

Since praying daily and clinging to this Scripture, I've already seen Him move. He is continuing to cause people to catch vision for this ministry, and I'm quickly seeing that He will remain faithful in getting me to campus so I can walk in His purposes for me.

I'd love for this entry to serve two purposes:
(1) I want you to be encouraged. Whether it's raising financial support or something else going on in your life, He's faithful and He hears your prayers. He knows your fears, and He makes Himself available to us to show us His power in the midst of our scary circumstances. What situation to you need to wholly trust Him with?
(2) I want to invite you in on this prayer process. Would you pray along with me that my support would be finished by June?

I'm certain that this process will result in another opportunity for me to sing His grace.

I Shall Not Want

originally published on 01.29.16

Growing up in a Christian home, Psalm 23 was one of the first lengthy [or at least lengthy for a child] passages I memorized. I can still remember the chapter being written out in marker on a dry erase board downstairs where I'd play with my toys. Back then, I didn't understand the deep meaning of this passage, and the same was true for many other passages that have now become really dear to me. I'm definitely not claiming to now know all there is to know about this Psalm, but over the past few years and even more-so very recently, it has come to life for me as I dive into it more and more. [Quick little side note: When I first memorized this chapter, I seemed to always say the first verse as one fluid sentence, which made me confused. "The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want"? So I don't want Him? What? Commas and semicolons make all the difference, people.]

Although not very long in the grand scheme of things, each individual statement in this passage could probably have its own sermon. I only want to focus on one part: "I shall not want."

I love how various versions put it:
"The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." (ESV)
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I lack nothing." (NIV)
"The Lord is my Shepherd, I have all that I need." (NLT)

How many of us can genuinely say that? I lack nothing. I don't have a need for anything else. I'll never be in want. Why? Simply because the LORD is MY Shepherd. The Psalm elaborates from there, but I think it's interesting to note that "I shall not want" doesn't come at the end, as if to say "here are all the reasons, and that's why I won't be in want." No, The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's it. That's enough. I lack nothing. The rest of the chapter is simply a list of the many other benefits that come along with the Lord being my Shepherd.

I realize how much I want my heart to be able to say this at every moment. I'm convicted that this isn't the case, but at the same time I'm so overwhelmed in the best way at how much depth this one verse has, and that allows me to sink into the goodness of Jesus.

Something that has recently allowed me to learn more about not only this one verse, but Psalm 23 as a whole, is the book "A Shepherd Looks At Psalm 23" by W. Phillip Keller. A man with firsthand shepherding experience, Keller expounds on the Psalm, each line having it's own chapter. It's so eye-opening to read the perspective of this real life shepherd and get further confirmation on just how humorously similar we are to sheep, and how beyond qualified God is in His role as our Shepherd.

"He came to set men free from their own sins, their own selves, their own fears. Those so liberated loved Him with fierce loyalty. It is this One who insists that He was the Good Shepherd, the understanding Shepherd, the concerned Shepherd who cares enough to seek out and save and restore lost men and women."

In the chapter titled "I Shall Not be in Want," Keller writes:

"Actually the word 'want,' as used here, has a broader meaning than might at first be imagined. No doubt the main concept is that of not lacking - not deficient - in proper care, management, or husbandry. But a second emphasis is the idea of being utterly contented in the Good Shepherd's care and consequently not craving or desiring anything more."

I want. Regularly. I find myself being similar to a stubborn ewe that Keller describes in his book:
"She was simply never contented with things as they were. Often when she forced her way through some such spot in a fence...she would end up feeding on bare, brown, burned up pasturage of a most inferior sort. But she never learned her lesson and continued to fence crawl time after time."  When I seek after other "pastures," I'm continually dissatisfied. How often do I lose sight of the lush green pastures that the Lord provides me with. Although He doesn't promise a life of no difficulties, He does promise that He will always be with me [Matt. 28:20b] and will supply all of my needs [Phil. 4:19].

We must understand that as believers, under the loving & compassionate care of our Good Shepherd, we can proudly boast "The Lord is my Shepherd - I shall not be in want. I am completely satisfied with His management of my life."

If you've grown up with this passage or are well familiar with it, it helps to have new and fresh perspectives of it. Being someone who really connects with the Lord through music,  I recommend these songs. A lot of the lyrics came to mind even as I was writing this:

"I Shall Not Want" by Audrey Assad.
"When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want."

"King of Love" by I Am They.
HUGE favorite! The whole song is essentially all of Psalm 23, but the vocabulary is changed just enough that it might be easy to miss if you don't pay attention. It's beautiful.
"The King of Love my Shepherd is, Whose goodness faileth never. I nothing lack if I am His, and He is mine forever."

"The House of God Forever" by Jon Foreman.
"God is my Shepherd, I won't be wanting."

I'd recommend listening to and meditating on them as you ask the Lord make this statement true in your life!

A Merciful Response to Shame

I love She Reads Truth. The most recent study is Genesis, and Day 1 covers Genesis 1-3, The Creation and The Fall.

So we know the story: Adam and Eve eat the fruit that they're not supposed to, screw things up for the rest of humanity, and they're instantly ashamed and realize they're naked.

I'm not trying to brush off how big of a deal that is, but it's sort of the mindset that I had as I was reading it. I didn't expect to find anything that I didn't already know. But that's the thing with Scripture. As you engage with the Holy Spirit through His Word, things come to life.

I want to focus in on one, little, specific part. Just one verse, actually. A verse that I may have [very obviously] brushed over before. What happened after Adam and Eve were ashamed? After God showed up, after He confronted them, after they became aware of their sin and realized they were naked? What did they do about clothes?

They made coverings out of leaves and twigs or something, right?

That's true, but it goes on. How have I seemed to always brush over this part?

"And the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skin and clothed them." - Genesis 3:21

What? Not leaves and twigs? Skins? And God made them for them?

I honestly read it a couple times. I wondered if this was common knowledge for people. I'll even admit that I texted multiple people with the trivia question, "hey, what happened after Adam and Eve realized they were naked?"

I think it's so important to stop and hone in on something like this, because depicts such a wonderful attribute of the God we serve: He is merciful.

Sin had just entered the world. They messed up. Big time. Humanity felt shame for the first time after they had never been aware of such a feeling. I can't even imagine. But even in their rebellion and shame, the Lord clothed them.

Even though they believed the lie that He was holding out on them.
Even though they and the rest of humankind would never again experience the kind of intimate relationship with the Lord that they initially had.
Even though they foolishly played the blame game after being confronted.
Even though they now had to leave this home of perfection that the Lord gave them, and even though there would certainly be other consequences for this sin, He provided for them when they realized they were exposed and helpless.

The Lord had every right to end it all right there and start over. But He's merciful. And not only that, but He has a plan. He was not caught off guard by their rebellion. We can all breathe a sigh of relief.

"Then the Lord God said, 'Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever - ' therefore the Lord God sent him out of the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken." - Genesis 3:22-23

My ESV Study Bible also had some notes about the moment the Lord sent them out of the garden:
"God begins a sentence in verse 22 and breaks off without finishing it—for the man to live forever (in his sinful condition) is an unbearable thought, and God must waste no time in preventing it (“therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden”). The tree of life, then, probably served in some way to confirm a person in his or her moral condition (cf. Prov. 3:18; 11:30; 13:12; Rev. 2:7; 22:2, 14, 19)."

I love this perspective. It was an "unbearable thought" for God to think of man living forever in his sinful condition. Sending them out of the garden was a consequence of their sin, but it was also a merciful act on behalf of the Lord to send them away instead of them constantly being reminded of their shame and moral condition.

Genesis begins a story of messiness that lasts throughout the course of time. It has its redemptive qualities throughout, but it leads up to the greatest act of redemption at the cross.

How beautiful it is to be on this side of the cross - to look back and realize that the Lord had a plan all along. To know that He couldn't bear to have us stay as we are: exposed, ashamed, rebellious, messy. To know that Jesus would be sent thousands of years down the road to die on our behalf because we still can't get it right.

And how beautiful is it that Jesus is forever the same, which means He is constantly redeeming and restoring, being merciful in the midst of our sin. He pursues us and cares for us in moments when we feel the need to hide and be ashamed.

He exposes our sin, but He doesn't want us to stand in shame. And we don't have to, because He clothes us with His righteousness. No need for "just try harder," no need to hide, no need to attempt to get our own act together. Our greatest need has been met through the cross.

I hope this refreshes your heart and points you back to the character of Jesus. And if you haven't yet been introduced to Jesus, I hope this invites you to step out of wherever you may be figuratively hiding and step into His mercy.

His kindness leads us to repentance [Rom. 2:4], and His mercy is another reason to sing His grace.

Reflections on Year 22

originally published on 12.04.15

It's so hard to believe that today I'm entering into my 23rd year of life. The Lord has definitely taught me a lot during year 22. I didn't always dress like a hipster and have breakfast at midnight [my last chance for that reference, so I had to ], but my 22nd year had a lot of grand adventures, changes, and challenges. So many joys and uncertainties, but one thing IS certain: I got to experience Jesus more fully.

I experienced a deeper sense of dependence on Him in light of my own relationships, leadership roles, and life decisions. I felt Him more closely through the moments of tears and fears, as well as in moments that brought great joy, like being able to travel, join staff with Cru, and meet a whole new group of people who quickly became the best of friends. Joining staff with Cru also included the new desire/calling to move to a whole new area of Tidewater, VA to invest in students there. [That transition should be happening within the next few months! Eeee!]

I saw Him in the ways that He was [and is] so evidently working in the lives of the young women I meet with and how that will always give me life and bring me joy - to see the Gospel work and be displayed through their lives.

I've gotten to realize a little more of His heart for the world and the people in it who desperately need to experience Him too. I got to see more of my own need for Him and how the gospel must be what daily fills my heart's desire to know and be known.

I got to develop more in the areas that He has made me passionate, and also discover different ways that Satan does not want me to chase after those passions. I've discovered that choosing to pursue the Lord's calling on my life of of full-time ministry means that the target on my back for spiritual attacks is as big as it's ever been, which again points me back to Jesus and His role as the ultimate Conqueror.

I've been able to spend time in prayer, asking Him to shape me more into the woman He originally intended me to be, while simultaneously asking Him to chip away at the areas that keep me from being willing for Him to shape me into that woman. This isn't always pretty and means also asking for more grace. Thankfully Jesus gives grace upon grace.

He has shown me His goodness through moments as well as people - people who so evidently hold specific purposes in my life. Countless conversations have been had that have poured more wisdom [and more grace] into my life.

I think this has also been the year that I've been the most vulnerable, which has resulted in more healing, boldness, honesty... and more grace. This vulnerability has also allowed me to be more genuine, and more open to sharing not only how the Lord has worked in my life in the good times, but also how He has worked  [abundantly & graciously] despite my flaws and times when I have been disobedient to Him.

He has given me more of a picture of His holiness and His attributes that are so far beyond my comprehension. Moments throughout this past year have enabled me to [literally] drop to my knees, both to express surrender in some moments and awe in others.

I had mentioned on my 22nd birthday that I wanted to grow more in my reationship with Jesus and gave the coming year to Him. How beautiful it is to look back and see how He has answered that. He always answers. Don't mistakenly think I'm saying that He has answered that desire in all the ways that I would have wanted. If I was able to look ahead and know the ways He planned to draw me closer to Himself, I may have said "thanks, but no thanks." So this year has also given me the opportunity to let go of the possible ways I think I could have done things better. I'm reminded of how it's good that I'm not in control.

So what do I ask for this 23rd year?

The same thing. To be drawn closer to Jesus.

I fully recognize that this next year will bring it's own trials and unexpected sorrows or moments where I just don't know what to do. But it's in those moments that I want to run to Jesus and develop an even deeper dependence on Him. I also fully recognize that there will be times where I don't feel like running to Him. So in advance, I ask for more grace.

I know this next year will also bring unexpected joys. And it's in those moments that I hope to turn to Jesus reflexively to thank Him for His goodness. I know there will be moments where I easily praise myself or my circumstances. Future Jocelyn, it's then that you must recognize that every good and perfect gift is from Him.

How great to reflect on the ways that I've seen the Lord work in my life, not only through this past year but the total of these 22 years. I trust that He will continue to graciously guide and pursue me through this next one.

Hello, 23!

Why 'Singing His Grace'?

originally published on 09.11.15
”Singing His Grace” was the original name of this blog. This is the story behind it.

For those of you who also have blogs, or have had a xanga in the past [flashback! anyone?], you know that picking a name is one of the most crucial things in the world. This is what will define your blog.

Okay, maybe it's not that big of a deal. But I really wanted to think through what I wanted this blog to be, and I'm still exploring that.

As someone who plays music, has been involved with worship leading, and who simply appreciates a good lyric that gets to the core of my soul, I figured that should play a role in my blog. I've discovered throughout the last few years that Come Thou Fount is one of my favorite songs/hymns. Knowing that now, you may recall the line tune my heart to sing Thy grace.

That's the short explanation.

There was a moment when I was listening to this song and started looking at it in a new way. We all get caught up in listening to songs just because we've known them for so long, but we may have never really taken the time to listen to the lyrics and pick them apart a little. I remember it distinctly. I was walking near my apartment during a fairly cold evening, and the song came on in my earbuds. For the first time I really thought about what I was hearing. It became relatable and real.

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace.

When I play my guitar, on any occasion, I want it to be in tune. Otherwise it's not going to accomplish the task I desire for it; it's not going to sound like the song I have in mind. The problem, though, is that thing is always getting out of tune all on its own. I never purposely make it that way. I'm consistently having to tune the strings that are a little too flat or a little too sharp so they can accomplish what they were created to do.

On its own, my heart is always getting "out of tune." It's easy to know the right thing to do and yet desire to do something else. The fight that Paul describes in Romans 7:14-25 is a very regular occurence in all of our lives:

 "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing." (v.18-19)

Sanctification - The process by which God aligns our actions to what He has already declared us: righteous.

Sanctification is hard. Painful even. It's not pleasant. There are always going to be areas of our lives that need to be exposed to the light - areas that need necessary fine-tuning. Jesus has given us a new position in Him because of what He accomplished through His death and resurrection. That's something that can't be taken away. But the Bible prompts us to not simply stay as we are. "This is just how I am" can't be an excuse in our lives. There are always going to be struggles - some may be consistent and others may be vastly differet at each stage in our lives - but we must rely on the Holy Spirit to convict us in areas that need more of Jesus.

The Gospel-Centered Life shows what this process should look like:

"...when the Gospel is functioning correctly in our lives, our awareness of God's holy character is constantly growing. We realize in fuller and deeper ways the weight of God's glorious perfections. Likewise ... when the Gospel is functioning correctly in our lies, our awareness of our own sinfulness is consistently growing." [add more]

I definitely recommend reading more about Shrinking the Cross.

So with all of that said, this is my vision for this blog. I'd love to share the ways the Lord is consistently tuning my heart. Without Him and the work He's doing in my life, I would never be able to truly sing His grace. My prayer is that each of us would more accurately sing His grace and make much of Jesus as we continue to fall more in love with Him. My hope is that you as a reader would be encouraged by His goodness that I attempt to communicate through these posts.

Looking to my Father

originally published on 08.07.15

As I think about this being my first post in over a year, I couldn't help but reflect on where I was at the time of that first entry. My first summer of support raising to intern with Cru. Such a time of growth and walking by faith. A few weeks after I published that entry - August 1st to be exact - I saw the Lord fully complete my support team and I was able to report and begin my intern year. I was able to thank Him for the work He had done and look back at my fear as such an opportunity to trust Him.

Now here I am.

My intern year is done, which led to the decision to join staff with Cru this summer [which was one of the best experiences, by the way!] And here I am, ready to embark on a whole new season of support raising.

And I find myself in the same position.
Fear. Doubt. Worry. Anxiousness.

This leads me to this post. What first started out as a desire to revamp my blog has now turned into an opportunity to reflect on the fact that I'm constantly having to fix my eyes back on Christ and bring myself back to the foot of the cross.

A few nights ago, I found myself overwhelmed with fear. One event after another led to a night of tears and prayer, then more tears and more prayer. I found myself in what might have been an even deeper "valley" than I thought I was in at the time I had written my first blog.

I'm thankful for a God who hears.

The following morning I woke up [puffy face and all] around 7:30 [super impressive for me] and went outside to spend some time in the Word to refill and repair my hurting heart and was reminded of this truths like this:

"...your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." Matthew 6:8

This falls right in line with the theme I seem to be experiencing lately. I tend to categorize what the Lord has been teaching me into a general theme - made up of reoccurring words, song lyrics, scripture, etc. - that keeps coming up in my life and point me back to a truth about who He is. Currently that has been directing my focus on Him as a Father.

It seems that when I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on what He’s teaching me, He allows another experience to take place to show me how I haven’t even begun to understand the vastness of His character. Again I must fix my eyes and heart on Him [which, by the way, is a little teaser for my next entry].

The great thing about not having an adequate grasp is that, being a Good Father, He is patient with me. I can rely on the promise that He works in me for “His good pleasure.” (Phil 2:13)

A book I’ve been reading is Strong Women, Soft Hearts by Paula Rinehart. In the following part of the book, Rinehart is talking about the root of trust and how various experiences and things like disappointment can make trust “like the rarest commodity in the world”. The hardships of life can make it hard to trust God Himself. But again, this is why we must constantly turn back to the truth of who He is. I think she says this [and so many other things in this book] beautifully:

“When the future looks bleak, or someone has trampled on your heart with football cleats and you’re struggling with trust, there is something gripping in the word already. You are already loved. Before the foundation of the world, in a way you can never earn, beyond the validation of any human being, you are loved. The essence of what we long for is already ours, in the truest sense. Disappointment drags us back to the well. Perhaps this is what the apostle Paul meant when he practically gushed about the length and breadth and height and depth of the love of God. No matter how often you return there is more to be had. Always more to be had.”

Always more to be had.

I’m thankful for a God whose love is unending.

I was also reminded of a page in a journal from last year. I probably wrote it around the same time I wrote my last blog entry. Written on the page are lyrics from an Audrey Assad song – Sparrow. It was a definite reminder that I needed at the time, and I find myself needing it again.

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things will be added to you.” Matthew 6:26-33

I’m thankful for a God who sees, cares, and provides.

Jesus is always having to correct and refocus my view back to Him. I am in constant need of the reminders of His character, and I’m thankful that He is a Good, Good Father who is personal, whose love is tangible, and who is always accessible and willing to still my anxious heart. I simply need to ask Him, and He meets me in my need.

"Or which of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matthew 7:9-11

Below are some links to any songs I may have mentioned within the entry. Consider these as resources to check out if you find yourself needing to be reminded of these truths too:

// Good, Good Father - Housefires -- This song was also a huge love for my circle of friends at Cru’s New Staff Training.

// Sparrow - Audrey Assad
“still my anxious heart”

// The Greatness of Our God - Hillsong United

Not Interested in Being Independent

originally published on 07.05.14

Does the title confuse you? I'm a recent college graduate, ready to start life on my own. I'm at a stage in my life where I get to embrace my independence and tackle the world to make my dreams come true. Yet I'm not interested in that? Correct.

Inspiration for this first official post comes from Matthew 14:22-33:

"And Peter answered Him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus."

In this support-raising situation, I've stepped out of the boat much like Peter. I had asked God a while back to make it clear if He was calling me to this ministry. I believe He has done this more and more over time. Just like Jesus called Peter out to take a step of faith, I must take a step of faith out of my "boat" where I'm comfortable, and I must be vulnerable and completely trust Christ in whatever happens during the process.

In verse 29, we see that Peter did have success. He walked to Jesus. I similarly came out strong at the beginning of raising support. As expected though, I've hit rough times. Times where, even though I wouldn't readily admit this, I may be having doubt. Not doubt in the sense of feeling like I made a mistake or that I'm no longer called to do this - that has certainly NEVER gone away - but doubt that comes as a result of discouragement. Discouragement that comes from things I would initially describe as "letdowns," where I had expected one thing and something else totally different happened. I must remember, even though my desire is that my heart will always be lined up with God's heart, that

1. I'm still sinful and "fleshly" so I'm inevitably going to make wrong choices (and there's grace for that), but

2. Even though I'm SO certain of this and truly believe that I do share God's heart for this ministry & lost college students, that doesn't mean I'll get all of the details correct in between. Even if the end result is the same - that God's Will is lined up with my desires - that doesn't mean my heart for the process along the way will be lined up with what He wills.

I'd love this whole process to go as smoothly as possible: to gain my team of ministry partners in record time and have no fear or wonder as to what is going to happen next. But would that adequately allow me to grow in my faith and dependence on Christ during this time? Honest answer? No.

"But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying 'Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt?'"

Verse 30 changes things for Peter when he sees the wind and becomes scared. He doubts and begins to sink. In my situation, especially with a tiny bit less than a month left, I've experienced fears. These questions of "Lord, where is it going to come from? Where are the people who are going to share in my vision for this ministry and who are meant to be on my team?"

I think these feelings and fears about all of the uncertainties are normal. However, may I NEVER, EVER EVER, remove my eyes from being fixed on Christ. I love that in this passage, it says that as soon as Peter said "Lord, save me," Jesus immediately reached out his hand and "took hold of him." Then Jesus asked why Peter doubted in the first place.

Jesus is also causing me to refocus on these things. Even though there have been times of fear and discouragement, I've also experienced moments where He has so evidently proved Himself and His faithfulness. Those are the times that make me ask myself, "why did I even fear or doubt?" Yet, when a hard time rolls around again, I find myself (much like Peter) doubting God.

"And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshipped him, saying, 'Truly You are the Son of God.'"

The passage ends with the disciples worshipping Christ and saying, "Truly You are the Son of God." Like I said, I keep having those moments too, where He reveals and proves Himself to me time & time again.

It's not going to go smoothly. It's just not. But when I fix my eyes on Him, especially in those times of doubt, I trust that He will not hesitate to immediately rescue me as well, all while showing me how faithful, loving, gracious & merciful He is (among other things).

That is why I wouldn't change this process.

Yes it's hard, but I get to be in a place where I have no other choice BUT to be fully dependent on Jesus, and in an area where it's the hardest to be dependent: finances.

Henri Nouwen in The Spirituality of Fundraising puts it this way:

"Money conversations are a greater taboo than conversations about sex or religion ... The reason for the taboo is that money has something to do with that intimate place in our heart where we need security..."

Because of this, we fear dependence.

Nouwen goes on to say,

"The pressure in our culture to secure our own future and to control our lives as much as possible does not find support in the Bible. Jesus knows our need for security. He is concerned that because our security is such a deep human need, we do not misplace our trust in things or people that cannot offer us real security."

Matthew 6:19-21 and Luke 16:13 back this up.

Yes, it's scary! Are you kidding me?! I'm essentially called to do the very opposite of what my culture is all about. Get a job and lots of money! Make sure you're secure! Look out for number one! The American Dream! Have we ever thought about the fact that our culture is basically in line with our human nature? Just worry about yourself. Don't worry about serving others. Individualism. This is not supported in the Bible.

And AGAIN, yes, this can be terrifying. But with this new stage in life, I can say that I have a job where I have the opportunity to be completely dependent on Christ. Dependent? What?! We're not supposed to do that!

No. I'm learning to embrace it. Because in this process, Jesus is drawing me closer to Himself and I get to experience Him more genuinely and intimately. And BEYOND that, I get to invite others to PARTNER with me and do this WITH me. Crazy things happen when you have a perspective change, right?

May I always be fixed on Him.