Here we are again. We’ve made it. We’re almost through one of the hardest and weirdest and ~most unprecedented ~ (gag) years of our lives. (If I hear that word one more time..)
I remember this time last year and looking ahead to 2020 and just wanting/asking the Lord for “newness”. I thought that was pretty cliché at the time but it was the word on my mind around the time of my birthday. I even wrote: ‘Newness’ keeps popping into my head lately. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know what it’ll bring. I’ve even thought about changing it to something ‘better’. But honestly, now I think it’s good.” HA. Let’s do a collective LOL.
Didn’t we all experience “newness” in 2020 or what? Far more than any of us would have ever — like ever — asked for. But let me tell you what’s very true: Each year that I’ve done this post, it has caused me to truly reflect on the goodness and faithfulness of God, and guess what? Even this year, it’s still true. In one of the seemingly crappiest, can’t-make-this-stuff-up, are-you-kidding-me type of year, He’s still good and faithful. In general, yes. But more specifically, in my life. That’s the whole point of why I’m here to do this year after year.
28 things in 28 years
1 — I learned (shortly after my last birthday, and in a pretty big way) to begin to face my fear of the opinions & perceptions of others. That had been something I was thinking more about in 2019 (#13 on last year’s list) and I wanted to begin to truly surrender it. Well, getting the chance to emcee a NYE conference of about 1,200 people certainly gives the opportunity for those fears to be center stage & right up there in your face. I had to face the question of will I choose to just be fully, authentically, and unapologetically myself? I honestly think I did. And I had a blast. (more on that later because I do plan on making a vlog from it - yes, a year later).
2 — The start of 2020 came with me learning to think more seriously about spiritual warfare. Yeah, real cute & fun. I don’t know what it was, but I felt the need to be more on my guard & to not be asleep to the reality that we as believers do have a very real Enemy. I started listening to systematic theology podcasts on it, and this was also around the time when Jennie Allen’s book, Get Out of Your Head, came out. So I was immersing myself on how to stand firm & fight back, and learning how very critical it is in the life of a Christian.
3 — I learned that it’s far more than okay to doubt. “Oddly” enough, shortly after this strong desire of taking spiritual warfare more seriously, I had my first real experience of questioning my faith. Like, in a scary kind of way. And honestly, it was completely aside from all the talk about spiritual warfare. It’s not like that led me to doubt. Do I think it was a coincidence though? Was it just happenstance that as soon as I started to take more seriously my fight against the schemes of the devil, he decided to pull a wild card that resulted in what I think was a big spiritual attack on my life? Not a chance. But let me tell you, there’s a lot of grace in the doubting. A lot of comfort is available. I could talk more at length on this, but for now, if you’re someone who has been/is going through doubting your faith: 1. It’s normal. This actually allows for your faith to grow; it’s not the same as unbelief and it doesn’t have to result in an absence of faith. And 2. Please tell someone. In any situation, whether doubt or another struggle, isolation is never beneficial. Tell your people. It was one of the first things I did in order to get it out into the light and to invite others to be in this wrestle with me. It was one of the best things I could have done. Also my friend Shelby Abbott kindly allowed me to read his book DoubtLess a handful of months before it even came out. If you or someone you know is wrestling with doubt, it would be a true gift to you/them. (I also interviewed Shelby on this topic here.)
4 — Being in that season of doubt caused me to learn to meditate on the truth that it is God who is my keeper. This Christian life is not so much about the amount of faith we have (Scripture says that a mustard seed’s worth is all that’s necessary) but rather what (or Who in this case) is the object of our faith. Even when I have a weak faith, I have a strong Christ. He is whom my faith is in, and He’s a firm and reliable source for that. He is my keeper and sustainer. (The book of Jude has been a great source of encouragement in this.)
5 — I learned more about the character of Christ. I could cover many things here, but one of the main things that has allowed me to do that has been the book Gentle & Lowly. He is good and kind. He presses into the sinful and messy parts of who we are; He is drawn there. A lot of the other things I cover in this post also have a lot to do with what I’ve learned about His character, but that book is definitely one to check out. Having a corrected (or at least more corrected than before) perspective on who Jesus is, & therefore who God is, truly transforms just about everything.
6 — I learned (in big ways, hello 2020) about shifting my eyes more quickly away from my circumstances and onto a God who is caring and sovereign. One of the things that helped with that was listening to many sermons from McLean Bible throughout this year, especially when attending church in person wasn’t an option. I learned so much from this preaching as I sat by myself on my couch on Sunday mornings and the way these leaders responded to each and every thing that happened this year. As the not-sovereign, not-in-control, and not-all-knowing one, I also learned to let go of my plans and my way in a lot of circumstances. This year has really woken us up to the fact that we are not in control. We never were, but this year brought an increased awareness of that truth.
7 — I learned how to incorporate a Sabbath into my life. I’m still very much needing to work on this and honestly it has slacked lately. The book The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry convicted & helped me tremendously in the area of rest & incorporating a Sabbath. We need it, & it’s critical to incorporate in order to remind us (me) that we (I) are (am) not actually the one in charge. We (I) are (am) not actually limitless, as we’d (I’d) like to fool ourselves (myself) to think. We can learn so much about theology & ethics from observing Jesus, but how often to we think about how he was so unbothered and unhurried and never inconvenienced? He was certainly busy but He was never hurried, and He always made time for silence & solitude.
8 — I’ve learned far more about spiritual disciplines as a whole and have had to do some self-reflecting on why in the world I’m not (& the Church, or maybe the American Church at least, is not) doing a lot of them regularly, yet they’re talked about in Scripture as if it’s assumed that we are doing them (Sabbathing, fasting, solitude & silence, etc. - even regular prayer slacks). In the same breath, I’ve just been thinking a lot more on how I can better “trim the fat” in my own life. In the coming year, in addition to a Sabbath, I’d love to incorporate fasting on a more regular basis in order to discipline the flesh & strengthen my keeping in step with the Spirit.
9 — I learned, on an even deeper level, my love for theology. I took a couple seminary classes over the summer when my normal traveling work plans were cancelled. It sparked a desire to potentially pursue seminary in the future — something I knew was an option before but didn’t have as much of a desire to be proactive about it. But now, as I’ve honed in even further on my love for teaching God’s Word, I want to know what I’m talking about. So we’ll see! A highly recommended book from the classes I took is Delighting in the Trinity. Plz check it out. We so often can dismiss learning about the Trinity because it’s too difficult or can’t be understood. Maybe not fully, but we know the Trinity. The Gospel doesn’t work without a Triune God. Highly recommend. That is all.
10 — This year has allowed me to be in a full blown introvert mode — for obvious reasons: a mandated quarantine while living by yourself certainly allows for a lot of alone time. Don’t be mistaken, I do love that. I like being by myself and consider myself to be very independent. Then around April, stuff started coming out about how this quarantine season is particularly hard on people who live by themselves, and I realized I hadn’t had a hug from someone in weeks. I suddenly realized the reality of oh, yeah, this is kind of challenging. There’s literally no one else around, and other people get to have their people with them. It made me more thankful for my little circle of people & the creative ways we could still finagle situations to spend time together. I’ve learned so much more about the value of human connection, the truth that we need each other, and what a gift it is to have a God whose presence and “with-ness” is an ultimate comfort. He Himself is “God with us,” which was true through the person of Jesus, but He also gives us the gift of His ever-present Spirit, & I’m all the more thankful for that this year, too. (I wrote more about this here.)
11 — I learned (am learning) what it looks like to truly be genuinely cherished in a dating relationship. (this is actually the first public online space in which I’m talking about this. heyyooo, surprise — heard it here first). One that is loving, fun, graciously challenging, and healthy. After having experienced a ~situation~ that was emotionally and psychologically harmful, it’s a true breath of fresh air to experience & participate in something that is night and day different. I’ve always known that healthy relationships are possible and have had many great examples of that from the people around me, yet for me it was something associated with a time that impacted me in a deeply negative way. So why would I want that for myself? But I get it now. I understand that this is what people are talking about. Truly one of the most unexpected and kind gifts from the Father this year. Clearly something I’ve been secretly treasuring. Until right now, LOL.
12 — This is the year. This is the year that I’ve developed more of an ~adult~ sleeping schedule. I was looking back at my first journal entry after my birthday last year and homegirl wrote it at 1:15AM — who is she?! I dunno if it’s been being inside for most of 2020 or if I’m actually a real adult now, but around 9 I’m about ready to turn in. I’ve become what I never thought I’d be. I don’t think the true night owl in me has been snuffed out altogether, but things have certainly changed in the earlier sleep schedule department.
13 — I learned to simplify life a little more. My schedule is far more sustainable this year because of changes I was about to embrace this time last year. I moved, started working at one school instead of two, and I worked less evenings. My current self is thankful for that.
14 — I’ve become far more fired up about the problem of cultural Christianity. The kind that has become synonymous with being American. The kind that involves those who know all the Christian song lyrics or put a Scripture reference in their instagram bio but don’t actually know Scripture or its context. The kind that is drenched with false teaching and false gospels. The kind that is harming those who claim to be believers and they don’t even know it. The kind that isn’t actually legitimate Christianity at all. Should I go on? One of the things that has further stoked this fire beneath me is the documentary American Gospel. Theology matters. Doctrine matters. There are false gospels and there is the one true Gospel, and there are people all around us and in our churches who don’t know the difference. I pray for both revival and awakening in this area.
15 — I’ve noticed some unhealthy aspects of my prayer life that are in need of change. I’ll probably talk separately on this because I think it’s worth expanding upon, but I’ve realized that I lack both in praying boldly and praying persistently. Yet Scripture does actually implore me to do both. I have God’s attention as I pray, and I can always turn or return to Him in any situation. This is definitely something I want to see corrected in my heart, by the Spirit’s help, and I’ll plan on writing a separate post about it!
16 — I meditated more on Christ as our intercessor and advocate. This was largely in part due to Gentle & Lowly as well. We don’t talk nearly enough about what Jesus is doing right now. Sure, He ascended to heaven and we’re waiting for His return, but what is He doing in the meantime? I love that the Bible tells us. (Hebrews 7:25; 1 John 2:1)
17 — I’ve thought more about God’s faithfulness & my own faithfulness as well. This whole post has a theme of His faithfulness, but I’ve honed in on this attribute of His in some specific ways this year. I had even done a word study on faithful/faithfulness & discovered some really cool things. I love that He is faithful even when we are not. And in my own life & what He’s called me to, I want to be found faithful. During a virtual conference earlier this year, I heard someone mention being faithful over fruitful. Of course we all want to be fruitful in the things we’re meant to do, but I do think it’s more crucial to be found faithful instead of desiring to show the fruit of big things or events. The fruit isn’t mine to grow anyway, whether in the things I’m doing or in my own heart. He grows the fruit (the fruit of the Spirit); my only job is to abide in Him & be faithful to do that. To resolve “one thing,” as Elisabeth Elliot says, and as Scripture talks about often (Psalm 27:4, Mark 10:21, Luke 10:41-42, etc.) In doing this in my life and ministry, I’ll also be able to pass the baton well.
18 — I’ve learned more and more that there’s a beautiful solidarity in the shambly. This year has been a shambly mess, and I’ve had a lot of my own shambly moments, especially lately it seems, as I’ve been trying to figure out & discern some shifts the Lord might be making. But though I’ve felt like a wreck, that seems to be encouraging in the lives of others. There’s so much solidarity and comfort in the conversations that involve “hey, I don’t know the answers either, but let’s fix our gaze on the One who knows all & be faithful to the things that we do know He wants for us from His Word.” Not everything has a pretty bow. Being honest about where I’m at has shockingly provided comfort and encouragement for others, and I think that’s a good thing.
19 — I’m learning to remember that I’m not stuck. That could mean a number of different things (my job, plans, etc.). I’ve realized that it’s okay to want to switch things up. I have the freedom to try new things, as scary as it is sometimes & despite thoughts of but I shouldn’t or I can’t or there’s no way I’d be “allowed”, whatever that means. I’m becoming more bold to actually pursue different ideas & taking opportunities to cast out different lines to see what bites. I’m learning that that’s okay to do. I have freedom to try things just to try them.
20 — In the spirit of not being stuck and breaking out of my own status quo, I did try new things this year. I took chances and submitted my writings to a Christian publication & even decided to apply to a freelance writer position for a big ministry that I love. Nothing came from those, but I want to hold on to those things as proof that I’m capable of taking those chances. I have some other ideas swirling around in my head that I’m continuing to explore!
21 — On that note, I learned that I think I need to believe in myself a little more. See, even saying I think I need to points out my hesitancy to sort of.. give myself more credit. I find myself wanting to try new things or seeking out new tracks to run on, but then when those things come up, I’ll sell myself short and find a reason to not go for it. That’s not good, girl. I want to be more bold in this area. Take some leaps. I’ve found a bit of a niche in a few different areas over the last few years, and I wonder how I might hone in on those and be more serious/proactive about exploring how the Lord would want me to best steward those things!
22 — I learned that my lil go-with-the-flow self might be a little more tense than I had originally thought. By the way, two years ago I mentioned that I was diagnosed with TMJ. This year I finally made moves to actually relieve myself of some of that discomfort. Cool cool. It only took it being brought to my attention that my scalp basically doesn’t move & my neck muscles also struggle due to the fact that I clench my teeth so much. Crazy. News to me. So uh, I have a mouth guard now (which I also have yet to pick up from the dentist - gotta do that). This is 28.
23 — I’ve learned so much about God being ever-available and ever-present, His mercy, His grace, and His patience. I’ve truly grown in intimacy with Him. So much of what He/Jesus has for us is a kind invitation. We’re invited to come to Him (Matt. 11:28-30), cast our cares (1 Peter 5:7), boldly approach God because of what Christ has done & ask for mercy, grace, and help in our time of need (Hebrews 4:14-16). When is my time of need? Always. So when is mercy & grace available? Always. Morning by morning (Lam. 3:22-24). He invites us to abide in Him (John 15) and make our requests known to Him, knowing that He will guard us with His peace (Phil. 4:6-7) — a kind of peace that only He can give and that will never pass away (John 14:27). I’ve learned so much more about His intricate care. I think that happens year after year (so maybe I’m cheating by continuing to mention it, but it’s still true.) And in a year filled so much ugliness, I was reminded over and over of God’s patience. I would’ve given up on day 0 & said “forget you guys” to a creation that rebelled against me. Which makes me so thankful that 1. I am not God, and 2. that God had a plan from eternity past, through the Person and work of Jesus, to make it possible for Him to dwell with His people once again. What a gift it is to be able to dwell with Him.
24 — This isn’t new (again, maybe I’m cheating) but I learned to press further into my love for God’s Word. As I look back throughout my journal, there are many reminders of Psalm 119, which is all about God’s Word. I not only want to learn more about God’s Word & how to teach it to others, but I want to “long for the pure spiritual milk” of the Word (1 Peter 2:2). This does go along with the point of “trimming the fat” like I mentioned in #8. How might I do that in relation to God’s Word? What needs to be eliminated from my life so that I only thirst for His words & no one else’s? So yes, while this is an ongoing thing, I’d say I learn a different element of this topic each year.
25 — I’ve learned that apparently I think things should be harder than they need to be? Allow me to explain. When I decide I’m gonna do something (exercise, cut out sugar, take on a new project, etc.), my default is to go to the extreme (I did actually mention this last year - #10 - I’m all or nothing). Even typing this a year later shows me that this is clearly a cycle. But! I did recently discover that when implementing new changes, they’re actually doable and even enjoyable if I do them in increments. Shocking. (Yes, Jocelyn, the rest of society already knows this.) There’s part of me that for some reason thinks it’s too easy - I gotta make it miserable for myself or it’s not good enough/doesn’t count. Can someone tell me what’s up with that? The biggest thing that's recently caused me to realize this is that I’ve started running. I know. I’m struggling to believe it too. But I’ve been using the Couch to 5K app and am finding that I can like.. actually do it. The whole point is to do a little at a time in order to build up to something greater. I know that’s how goals work and everything, but like, I guess that just hasn’t been one of my strengths. I’d like to grow in this area & more regularly apply it to other things.
26 — In a year of very heightened tensions in many areas (I don’t need to recap), I’ve learned (read: been very aware of but this year has confirmed more and more) my absolute hatred for conflict. Any sort of conflict — outer, inner — I want to avoid it at all costs. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to bury myself in a hole this year. Yet I’ve also learned to press into some of that - to speak up, to have that hard conversation, or to do some good looking at the inner workings of my own conflicted heart. It’s good to uncover those things even though they can be ugly and hard. It’s great ground for growth, and thankfully we have a God who can help us navigate things with truth and grace. And also this year is just hard. We’re all collectively experiencing it. It’s okay to not be over it. Don’t put pressure on yourself to just bounce back.
27 — I’ve sensed for over a year now a need for some sort of shift. Maybe not a need for it, but that concept of an upcoming shift (as if this year hasn’t already been that) has been steadily in my mind. As if I need to prepare myself for one. I’m figuring out what to do with the what’s next?, what that actually means, and why in the world it’s been in my mind so much. So I’ve been learning to simply be in the waiting — as much as I don’t really like it. To quote Ben Rector, “Life is not the mountain tops, it’s the walking in between..” — To make things a little deeper and more spiritual, I really don’t think God is as concerned about getting me to a certain place as He is about the state of my heart along the way & what He plans to do in my life in the process. He loves a process. He’s the One to cause the growth of new fruit in my life, and from what I know about Him, He’s not looking for the store-bought fruit. He loves the tending, the caretaking, the pruning, and getting in the dirt of a situation, all while teaching His own about Himself. So I’m learning that it’s okay to just sit in that.
28 — In the midst of waiting, it can sort of feel like I’m suspended in some sort of abyss, or just free falling as I try to figure out what’s next. But I’m learning to be watchful instead. It’s mentioned a number of times in Scripture & is associated with waiting:
“O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice;
in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch.”
- Psalm 5:3
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning
more than watchmen for the morning.”
- Psalm 103:5-6
This definitely is meshed with what I’ve been learning about prayer. I want to wait with patience, but instead of so easily just waiting for time to pass to “get on with it,” I want to be watchful in the meantime. Boldly watchful, asking the Lord to show me what He wants for me in those “in the meantime” moments.
answered prayers — things i wrote down last year that i would want to be true of me and my life over the course of the coming year:
⌓ Okay. This is a little crazy. I actually don’t really look at what I wrote down the previous year (usually on or in the few days following my birthday) until it comes time to write this post. I hadn’t written much last year, but here’s what they were:
“ — newness in many regards
— discipline in routine + spiritual practices
— that I would learn more about weeping w/ weepers + rejoicing with rejoicers
— not sure why but it was placed on my heart the other night.”
Wow. Like I said, I don’t look at these throughout the year or come back to them to “see how I’m doing on my goals” or anything like that. Yet it’s always so cool to see how specifically the Lord answers. In a year where so many have faced so many incredible hardships, both individually and in our culture/world as a whole, and it also being a year where good things do still happen, there has been a plethora of opportunities to live out & hold the tension of both at the same time. Knowing when to weep and when to rejoice.
⌓ My first journal entry on my birthday last year talked about how I wanted to know the Word & the Word Himself more. I wanted to cut more of the noise. I wanted to be a lover of God instead of primarily being a worker for Him. I wanted to get away with Him more. This year certainly allowed for more opportunities for silence and solitude, but I’d still like to more proactively pursue those things. Regardless, I have grown in my knowledge of Scripture, and it’s interesting to see that I wrote about this, having no idea just how much the importance of spiritual disciplines would pop up this year, and how I’m hoping to carry even more of that with me into this new year of life.